NOBODY SAID IT WAS EASY .

[carter marie sanders]

i was just guessing at numbers
AND FIGURES PULLING THE PUZZLES APART
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PRIVATE ENTRY. MAY 6, 5:45 PM
LISTENING TO; THE SCIENTIST - COLDPLAY. MOOD; WHATEVER. ?!

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well, this is most likely going to be the first of a lot of these pieces
of crap that i'm going to have to write. which is stupid, to put it a
bit nicely. the idiots that find it necessary to call themselves my
parents seem as though i have some unsolved anger issues and
feelings of resentment towards them left over from the accident.
gee, i wonder why? they sent me away, though when i think about
it now, i dont know why i'm even complaining about that since all
i ever wanted to do was get away from them. but anyway, the
person they sent me to told me that maybe i should 'blog' a little
about my feelings and about things that happen with me, since
i clearly 'dont share my feelings with people' often enough, which
is causing me to become 'rude, harsh, bitter and aggressive'. it's
really almost laughable. i want to tell my parents to shove it where
the sun doesnt shine.. but then they'll try to put me in a white
padded room, and that wouldn't really sit well with me. so, i'll hold
my tongue best i can for now.

so... i dont really know what exactly to put. i cant believe i'm even
doing what this stupid woman says, but who knows? maybe i'll
enjoy doing this anyway. so.. i guess i'll just start with what i've
been doing lately? just school, you know. the same old type of thing
it's awfully boring. i wish i had something to break the monotony...
i hate the way life just goes on from day to day, with nothing
interesting ever happening. and really, nothing ever does. everything
that used to excite me doesn't anymore. partying is only a way to
pass the time, drinking only a way to keep my mind of things. the
only thing that's still interesting to me is actually a person. jesse
pierce is pretty much... well, he's the most intriguing person i've
ever met, to say the least. but that's an understatement. i honestly
can say i've never felt the way i feel for jesse with any other person.
i know that's awfully cliche, but bear with me, alright?

jesse's just... i dont know. i've known him for a while now, and he
never just ceases to amaze me. he could be the most routine person
i know and i think i'd still find him fascinating. he's so breathtakingly
beautiful and passionate and just.. i dont know. all i know is that
i think i'm in love with him. but, i think he's in love with me, too.
the only reason that's a but is because i'm afraid of the way he sees
me. what if he's just seeing this little dream he has of me, and i do
something horribly wrong and that image is shattered? i would hate
to change the way he looks at me, because that's the best part. he
thinks im perfect, and i love that. it makes me feel perfect, even
though i know i'm the farthest thing from it. i dont know. all i know
is that when i'm around him, my hearts speeds up, i get butterflies,
and i can barely form a coherent sentence....

see, if i can feel all of that, then i guess i must not be as messed up
as my parents think i am. haha. anyway... i think i'm just going to go
for now, work on something for school... so.. until next time, i guess.
maybe i'll make the next entry public.

-- carter marie

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